Diary of a Mad Project Manager, Part 1

Diary of a Mad Project Manager, Part 1

by April MacDonell

Fiction

1. Monday, November 1, 2010

I am still in my dishevelled Monday bed, ruminating on whether I have the will to go to work.  My eyes feel like they are attached to tent stakes and bat idiotically when I try to open them. I squint into the dawn and lift my head to see why I feel like Gulliver, supine and pinned.  My cats, all four, flank my ankles and hips and have stapled me to the bed so that I cannot get up. It seems they do not want me to go to work either.  Is this a sign?

I do not want to disturb their furry peace, so I stay supine and contemplate whether I have a sore throat, cold, Yellow Fever, bubonic plague or any cause to stay home, away from ‘that place’.  I feel dishonest, but my soul can only take so much inanity.  My thoughts run all over the place, procrastinating my decision.  I practise talking as if I have a cold.  I find advice called, “How do you Fake A Cold? ” on Yahoo Answers on my iPad nearby (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081208193510AAXiOaT).

The cats’ fall off the bed, thump, thump, thump, thumps as I pivot my legs over the edge, ready to push off to the bathroom.  I have decided.  I am going to work and will abandon the cosiness of my beasts, my bed, and the ultra trashy novel on my nightstand.  “Oh, dearest bed how can I leave you when last night I was wrapped in your warm embrace?”  I said.  I am off to project manage a new information technology project that is in its early planning phase.  My bunny slippers are off.

I arrive at ‘that place’ with a Tim fix in my fist.  No puerile Grande, two-pump Vanilla, Non-Fat, Extra Hot, Latte for my palate.  I plunk myself down in my cubbyhole and begin to unfurl the initial project schedule, which I had published across reams (well almost) of 11x17 paper with geriatric font.  The geriatric font will help me peruse the veracity of the schedule, the Gantt Chart and Network Diagram, before the 10:30 am “Schedule Build and Review Meeting”.  The truth is in the detail.  However, I will not be taking this chart or diagram to the meeting because a few project team members, some of whom are Project Managers, have trouble reading Gantt Charts or Network Diagrams so I will be simplifying  (read dumbing-down) the visual presentation.  This makes me want to chew off my arm.  But, in earnest, it is my job to communicate information clearly, concisely, transparently, honestly and as audience appropriate as possible, even if it means more work for me.  Thump, arm falls to floor.

I had just joined this project a week earlier and the Project Sponsor had already pinned me to the wall for the project’s finish date.  I diplomatically conveyed that it was too early to give anything more than a SWAG, Sweet Wild Ass Guess, since neither the Project Charter nor the Preliminary Project Scope Statement were complete or approved.  Other critical inputs were also absent.  Without these project artefacts as inputs, I guarantee low estimate accuracy.  It would be irresponsible to provide an immature estimate to a CIO without a long list of assumptions and caveats, especially for a high-risk project like this.  I also knew this date would be the only date the CIO would remember.  This SWAG finish date would stay in the CIO’s memory like an OK Ranch livestock brand or a tattoo from The Tat Shack.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass for all that crap, just give me the finish date,” said the Sponsor tersely.

“If we wait for an approved Preliminary Project Scope Statement, then I know the estimate accuracy will increase due to a better project definition,” I said, my eyes holding his agitated gaze.  “If we deliver the estimate too early we can expect the highest classification of uncertainty, even if we add contingency.”  I did not reinforce this statement by mentioning the unapproved Project Charter.  The temperature in the room was already hot enough.

“When will the Preliminary Scope Statement be approved?” the Sponsor asked reasonably.

“The Communication Plan hasn’t been created, so I don’t know when the Project Steering Committee officially meets.  Can we not initiate their first meeting and conduct a Preliminary Scope walkthrough to acquire approval?”  I proposed.

“Do what you have to do to get the CIO off my back.  I don’t care how, just do it,” the Sponsor said leaving the room.

“Oh, and do not overwhelm this project with process,” spewed the Sponsor before slamming the boardroom door.

“I sense another limb dropping,” I said sotto voce.

By this time I was doing the pee dance, so I aimed my feet toward the plumbing and marched onward contemplating which clown name best suited the Sponsor.  How about "Bumbo the Clown" since Bozo was already taken?  When in the lavatory, I decided to profile my first week on the project:

1. Sponsors, Steering Committees, CIO’s, or Clients will always request a project finish date as soon as the Project Manager’s foot crosses the threshold.  In fact, they will likely choose a finish date.  Of course, many regulatory projects already have a legislated finish date and require reverse planning.
2. Project Sponsors have multiple accountabilities and may be responsible for additional programs and/or projects as well as other duties as required.  They are usually under pressure.  They may not have the most practical understanding of project management tools, techniques and benefits.  They may test and resist Project Management practices thinking they are a waste of time.
3. Project Managers are responsible for pointing out project success risks, that is, risks that might hinder the success of the project.  The Project Manager needs to convey quick, candid feedback to the Sponsor.  The Project Manager may have to repeat this candour. The Project Manager is not a “Yes” person.
4. Projects require “process”, especially high-risk projects.  It is the Project Manager’s duty (together with the company’s project policies) to pick the right processes to offset the project’s risk and to make the chosen processes as painless as possible to execute.  If the Sponsor said, “Do not overwhelm the project with process”, then justwhelm it.
5. Problem Solving is an invaluable capability.  Always provide options to your Project Sponsor.
6. No one understands how the CIO remembers the SWAG finish date, and not the Project Manager’s name. 

It is almost 10:30 am.  I must hustle to the “Schedule Build and Review Meeting” that I am chairing.  With a slight edit to Pam’s words on HBO’s True Blood, “Blah, Blah, Project Emergency Blah.”