Diary of a Mad Project Manager, Part 2

Diary of a Mad Project Manager, Part 2

by April MacDonell

Fiction

2. Monday, November 8, 2010

The shop door swung open and, for a moment, the sounds of hooves, hawkers and boots being ingested by mud and excreta leapt into the sooty enterprise on Jermyn Street.   Vivian stared at the unnervingly colossal silhouette in the doorframe before it descended the step.

“How pleasing the air is here.  Excuse me for saying, but outside I can barely breathe without retching. I cannot understand why your shop is not crowded with citizens hiding from the offence,” said the silhouette.

“Thank you, Sir.  Our savonnerie and parfumerie is the constant comfort of many,” said Vivian looking skyward into a face.

“I can imagine. Ah, but I am here not to escape the fetid London streets, but to purchase a concoction for a lady.  Can you help me find a special potion?” solicited the face now exposing eyes, brow, nose, and lips.

“Please tell me about your lady, Sir. Do you know whether she prefers floral, oriental, citrus, or wood scents?” asked Vivian thinking his lady must adore citrus because his eyes were the colour of Persian lime.

“Ha, I am befuddled,” he said, seeming both perplexed and amused.   “I think she may like floral and citrus, but I am not certain.  Can you choose?”

Vivian opened the Spanish mahogany showcase, and ably chose three contenders, Lavender, Limes and Stephanotis.  With the speed of a magician’s hand Vivian dotted three handkerchiefs with each perfume and handed him one to try.

“This is Limes,” Vivian said as she watched him lift the handkerchief to his strong face. “The citrus notes burn away and a refined floral-musk arrives. It is neither sweet nor heavy.  In the end it becomes airy with only faint echoes of the original top notes.”

“This is Stephanotis,“ declared Vivian, handing him the second sample and accidentally touching his hand. “Stephanotis signifies constancy in marriage and is a wedding flower. This is my most loved. I am wearing it…”

Without warning the small distance between them was breached as he bent his face to Vivian’s neck gently pursuing the scent on her skin, tenderly inhaling it, and her, into his lungs when he found it.  “I’ve chosen,” he breathed inaudibly…

Unseated commuters teetered like Russian dolls along a jerky stretch of track; my stop must be next.  There is always one great teeter before I totter off the train toward ‘that place’. Sadly, I must pack Vivian, the colossal silhouette and the less-than-halcyon nineteenth century away for another day and another journey. “Don’t do anything careless until I see you again Vivian,” I yell into my backpack.

While I was being washed up the street with the great corporate masses, I recalled the challenges (read train wrecks) of the previous week.  It was a week so farcical I ended up inventing my own game of tallying buzzards for each failed attempt to jumpstart the project.  I would be their dinner if I didn’t watch out. 

Here is a recap:

The Project Steering Committee were invited to a Friday, November 5, meeting to review and approve the Preliminary Project Scope Statement−even though the review should be against the detailed Project Scope Statement (i.e., not preliminary). But we know the CIO wants a realistic finish date and not a S.W.A.G so I bent the process brutally. The committee needs five days notice and a stable document to read so they may prepare ahead.  They will be lucky if they get two days notice.  In truth, I wanted to thrash the process because I felt the stakeholders and project owner (our CIO) should review and approve this document. But this is another gripe and it could fester for a while longer. 

But wait, the Preliminary Project Scope Statement document was incomplete, so I could not push the “Send” button on their November 5, Steering Committee invitation. So I asked a Project Administrator to set up a meeting with the Project Team Members (also stakeholders) where the goal was for them to provide data to complete the Preliminary Project Scope Statement. I asked the Administrator to invite specific team competencies to build a comprehensive perspective. 

• Business Modelling, Subject Matter Experts and Business Analysis Leads,
• Architecture, Development, Database Administration, and Data Modelling Leads
• Quality Control, Quality Assurance, Configuration Management, Help Desk/Support and Technical Writing Leads
• People Change Management, Project Governance, Marketing, Legal and Sales Representative, with the
• Sponsor, Project Administrator and me, the project manager.

Within seconds the Project Administrator emailed asking who represented these groups (give me real names, it read); told me there were NO meeting rooms until November 5; and asked where the document was filed.  Does this qualify for a Buzzard or was it mean of me to presume the Project Administrator knew this?

Thereafter I spend hours in the Project Management Office digging through org charts, old responsibility matrices and playing phone roulette to nail the project who’s who, all because the Project Team details were missing everywhere.  I sent the Project Administrator answers via email with directions to use the CAFETERIA as the meeting place. I received a return email, “Gone for the day.”

Ok, so I would send the invitation myself. Easy peasy, click, click it was sent.  Now I needed to quickly reserve a room for the Steering Committee meeting. Meeting room acquisition is a combat activity strewn with winners and battered losers.  The losers use the cafeteria.  Sadly, you cannot send Steering Committee members there.

Meeting rooms were named after great thinkers, so I checked Spinoza, Descartes, Copernicus, Aquinas and Cicero for availability on November 5.  Aquinas was available for three hours (auspicious I hope). I filled in the boxes and pressed the magic button and then read, "The operation failed. Unable to directly book a resource for this meeting." Sweet. The Project Management Office has not given me permission yet. So now I must send an email to the Project Administrator to do this. Death by a thousand cuts.  Buzzard One.

I arrived early the next day. I counted sixteen responses from the Project Team.

• 10 Declined, including the Sponsor, one wrote, “Do you have the right Jason Smith?”
•   5 Tentatively Accepted
•   1 Accepted with a note, “What project is this?” and
•   3 No response, excluding myself. 

I hoped against hope that the business analyst, development lead and marketing representative would accept.  “I will bribe them,” I said aloud. Less than 25% of the invitees to complete a preliminary scope, I mused. I can hear a buzzard swooping.

The invitees arrived and circumnavigated the cafeteria like lost tourists while looking for a quiet corner big enough for five.  With coffee in hand and 10 minutes late, we started the agenda with introductions, meeting purpose, and goal and then began working on the Preliminary Project Scope Statement.  Everyone I had hoped would attend accepted including the Technical Writing Lead. 

“Let’s start with the Project and Product Objectives, then move to the Product/Service Requirements and Characteristics,” I instructed.

“Before we get into that, I would like to ask why I was invited to this meeting,” said the Marketing Rep. “I don’t usually get involved in project meetings.  Why am I here?”

“You were invited because the product we’re to build, as you know, will likely require a marketing program with multimedia describing the problems the software addresses, its benefits, a list of features and the technical requirements needed to install the solution.  Additionally, we might discover we need translation. We need to determine this early and plan for it,” I said casually pointing to a marketing package for an existing product.

“Oh, you mean like this?” said the Marketing Rep. trickling several glossies across the table.  I picked one up and was bowled over to read the name of our yet undeveloped product in the title and the titles of all the content before us.

“Is this real,” I posed “Or is it lorem ipsum dolor sit?"

“No, it is absolutely real,” said the Marketing Rep. “I should imagine you can gather at least 50 percent of your content for the Preliminary Project Scope Statement from this material.  Isn’t that good news?”

“Yes, I am sure it is, but still I am puzzled about how you were able to create a marketing package without the approved Scope Statements, Project Charter, Business Requirements, Project Plans and other project inputs?” I said looking into the eyes of the bemused Business Analyst, Developer and Technical Writer.

“Well, we had to.  The product has already been sold to a client in Germany and we have also committed to a demonstration at Comdex next November. It was the prototype that sold them,“ said the Marketing Rep. sheepishly. Buzzard Two.

“Um, Um, Um, so you are saying that there is already a delivery date for Germany? And what prototype are you referencing?”  I was feeling the heat rising to my skull.

“Yes, there is a delivery date.  The prototype looks really convincing, but there is no code behind it, it was built using Visio with dummied up forms,” the Marketing Rep’s head was nearly beneath the table now. I was struggling to keep my composure. Buzzard Three and Four.

Then almost in unison the Business Analyst, Developer and Technical Writer said, “We are still working on another project.” Buzzard Five.

I worked twenty hours between Tuesday and Wednesday to complete and fortify the Preliminary Project Scope Statement using the marketing package and expert judgement. On Wednesday afternoon I was able to finally press the “Send” button to invite the Project Steering Committee to the November 5 meeting in the Aquinas room. I apologized for the reduced lead-time.  

The sky was almost completely black. There were just a few patches of light where their wings did not touch.  Give me strength.